Sunday, July 14, 2013

Myrna's 1981 Journal, Page 2

The honest truth of the matter is that I'm converted to everybody else keeping a journal but maybe I don't really want to keep one myself. The clincher is always the idea that your progeny will know what you are really like but, to be honest, I don't want my progeny to know what I'm really like. In fact, the less they know what I am really like, the happier I'll be.

I'm a person who holds resentments and keeps lists inside my mind. I continually work to not be like that. That holding on to things can't be something you want others to emulate. I have a struggle trying to love others (this does not include my children whom I always love) and I have a struggle trying to forgive. That includes forgiving myself. I sometimes wonder if it's possible to "love everyone." I wonder if it is possible to forgive and "remember it no more."

At this stage in my life, I'm not even sure what I want or who I want to be and I'm 41. My life is nearly half over by regular standards and I don't even know what I want to do with what is left.

Many days, I have to work on being forgiving. People can say the meanest things. Some of them mean to be hurtful and others do not mean to be they just, I suppose like me, make comments without thinking.

My life is just a work in progress. I am, eventually, and who knows when, going to have to die and meet my Savior. I think I would rather not be so mortal and so much the "natural man" and would much rather be more Christlike, more like the Master. I really don't want my unrepented sins to be broadcast from the rooftops for all to know.

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